i love you, there’s nothing more to it. it’s that simple. i will always love you. i wish i could spend your birthday with you, it’s in 3 days.
last year i wrote this giant post about how it was your birthday and i was miserable and i sent you a card to your old address (which i found out you never got) and just ugh.
this year we’re talking again, we’re friends, at least i can call you or text you happy birthday.
i wish we were closer. i love you and i always will, but i wish we could go back in time and be something more, i don’t want the current you, because you aren’t the same you that loved me and that i knew. you’re somewhat different. you’re the you that actually woke up one day and didn’t need me anymore, you didn’t need me for years, and that’s not the you i want and love. i want the old you, or the you that you might be 10 years from now. maybe we’ll reconnect one day.
what’s meant to be, will be, right?
or maybe not. maybe we weren’t meant to work out. all i know is that thus far, you have been the only person who got me 100%, when we were best friends, you meant everything to me, you knew me so well, and you were the only person i wanted to talk to day and night, depressed and happy, literally no matter what. we don’t know each other like that anymore, but i miss it.
anyway, 21 is coming up fast for you, and just so you know, i’ll always be here for you.
a lot of people, people i’m close to and people i’m not close to have different morals than me on things, and one of them is sex.
sex means a lot to me for some reason, and i’ll stand by that forever. i’m a virgin, and i’m glad, because i feel like i’ve lost so much of myself and my spirit from all of the feelings, and emotions, words, tears, and thoughts i’ve put into the guys that i’ve had “something” with thus far, that i can’t imagine how i would feel if i had given my virginity up to someone who could just leave. i’d probably be devastated.
i don’t know how i’m going to know, but hopefully i’ll be able to tell when i can share that with a guy, and have them share that connection back and have the first time mean something, and not have them leave. i don’t have to marry them, but i want them to love me. all of me.
i guess this is where i should try and stay up all day or at least most of it, because i’ve been trying to sleep all night but i couldn’t because i fucked up my sleeping schedule by sleeping in until 5pm today because i’m an idiot and nocturnal. so i should try and stay up today.
i have plans kinda, but idk if i want to peruse them, i’d be a a bad person not to though. i’m nervous about them and don’t know if it’s classified as just hanging out or if he’s maybe interested in me again. i make things too complicated.
on another note, i think you and i were thinking the same thing yesterday.
and not everyone stays in your life, and it doesn’t have to be because of any reason either.
far away admiration for an elementary school crush that i still don’t have a chance with, over due hatred for a past love who lied endlessly and his new girl friend, extreme nostalgia for love and hate for my first love who left me for another and now we’re “friends”, a constant curiosity and jealousy for the one that played me as a second option.
it’s all the same.
a want for love, and to be wanted.
the fire that fuels my daily hate.
life is moving and changing, and i feel like i’m staying the same day after day.
i feel like a fish in a bucket, not a fish in the sea.
alone.
i literally love skinny, tall, thin guys, because i think it’s sexy for them to have a handful of my curvy body.
yeah…
